Video Transcript - Jealousy (27:45)
BK: What I've learnt is that as I question my mind, give up happens. It's not something I have to do. It just kind of falls away once the truth is seen.
BK: Freedom.
BK: So what does emotional intimacy mean to him?
IN [Inquirer, Inquiree?]: I don't know what it looks like to him, but what it looks like to me is that he's, he has thoughts about her, maybe he wishes that I were more like her in certain ways, maybe he, erm.
BK: Do you love him?
IN: Yes
BK: And if that's what he wants?
IN: No, I don't want him to have that.
BK: OK, so that's not love.
IN: I don't care, I don't care.
BK: Exactly. That's honest - 'So sweetheart I don't really love you and I only want you to want what I want you to want.'
IN: But what is love anyway, I mean we are all just here serving ourselves.
BK: Personalities don't love, they want something. So you're this very honest person, just are you honest with him - 'Sweetheart I do not ever want you to have a life without checking in with me.'
IN: That's basically it.
BK: 'And by the way, you know everything you think? Check in with me first. And if you think you can do that we are going to have a really happy life together.'
[Laughter]
BK: Are you happy when he's happy?
IN: Yes
BK: Isn't that what you want?
IN: But not when he's happy with something that I'm not happy with.
BK: Yeah, just as long as you let him know that, it's a beginning.
BK: So when he says 'Do you love me? Do you really care about me?' you can say 'No, not at all'.
IN: Is that what love is, that I want him to do things that hurt me?
BK: Well, ask you.
IN: I don't think that's what love is.
BK: So sweetheart, what I can tell you is my husband can't do anything that hurts me yet - and I'm open.
IN: Wait, can you say that again?
BK: When he, when he loves someone I support it, because I love him.
IN: When his attention is going to that person?
BK: Absolutely, I'm spared. He's happy and I don't have to be a part of it - I'm free and he's happy.
IN: I'm not there....
BK: Not there yet, not there that you realize. You want his attention, why? What does that give you?
IN: Fulfillment, joy
BK: A sense of security?
IN: Security, pleasure too.
BK: Oh yeah, there's nothing greater than 'I love you, I love you, I love you', yeah.
[Break]
BK: Isn't that where you feel the most peace - when you are happy for him?
BK: When you are happy for him, happy is happy, you are feeling happy.
IN: Yeah, but not with, when, you know it's different when, if he's eating a great meal and he's really happy or he does, you know, he makes a great accomplishment at work and he's happy, it's a different feel of happy.
BK: So, who would you be - see if you can hear the question - who would you be if it were not possible to believe that he was not faithful when he was with her.
IN: I would be, it would be really sweet.
BK: OK, so here's what we are learning from you - those of us really listening - with the thought you attack him, without the thought the opposite, so how can he be your problem?
BK: With the thought, believing that thought, you attack. When you don't believe the thought you don't attack, in fact the opposite.
IN: I think what I'm feeling is that the thought, I can't, the thought protects me against what might happen.
BK: So when you are attacking him are you protected?
IN: No.
BK: Everything you are afraid is going to happen you are bringing on.
BK: The worst that can happen you are living.
BK: [to audience] How can anyone outside of you be your problem? Not possible. If you think someone is hurting you, you are quite insane - you are believing your thoughts. And that's OK, just know that that belief is what's hurting you, not that person.
[break]
BK: When we look at how we treat them it's really nice to know they have somewhere to go.
[laughter]
IN: Yeah it is.
BK: It's like she's taking care of him when I am mentally ill.
[more laughter]
BK: And it's amazing, he keeps coming home to you. You attack him and he keeps coming home to you. She's very nice to him and he keeps coming home to you.
BK: It's like when you love him, you love you for loving him. When you don't like him, you don't like you for not liking him.
BK: Because he is your PROJECTED - and you are the PROJECTOR. He is only who you believe him to be - and until you question your mind you live with the enemy - and it gets very confusing because you love him.
IN: I need my boyfriend to see that I am enough.
BK: He doesn't see that you are enough - is that true?
IN: He goes, I mean he has other, you know, other women friends that are, you know, that he's intimate with, not sexually, but emotionally and to me that's the same, it's like where do you draw the line, you know?
BK: He sounds like a well-adjusted human being.
IN: He is.
[Break]
BK: Is that true - you want him to give up his whole world and just focus on you?
IN: No, it's not true.
BK: So just sit with that. You know, you are getting to know you. You are the one that does not want him to give up his friends.
IN: But then where's there's situations where it's really threatening I do want that, I do want him to step out of those scenarios.
BK: It goes like this - the way he lives is OK for you - the reason that I know it is OK for you is that you stay.
IN: I am needy
BK: [to audience] Can you find it? Where are you needy? Where are you so needy that you would try to pull another off their path for your convenience?
BK: 'You know, I don't care about your path, I don't care about you, I don't care about what you want - focus HERE ON ME - yeah, yeah, yeah I love you - FOCUS HERE - I am needy.'
IN: I'd be in the same place that I've been in again and again and again in my adult life and I'd be at the end of my rope emotionally.
BK: Isn't that where you are when you are thinking like this, even with him?
IN: Yeah.
BK: So, the worst that can happen you are already living. So if she wins you are just left with you again - which is what you've got when you are with him.
IN: If she wins, I can't let that happen.
[Laughter]
BK: Well you know, there's a way of looking at that - when he's with her, think of how intimate he will want to be with you.
IN: [laughing] Yeah
BK: I mean, that's your story about him. Look what she's getting, she's getting the man who wants to be with friends with all of his old relationships.
BK: Close your eyes - see if you can get a picture of the two of them together.
IN: Katie, I want to bash that [the flowers and vase] against the wall when you say that.
BK: Yeah, so read it again the way you wrote it.
IN: I don't ever want to take second place to a manipulative woman and be tormented by all of my boyfriend's friendships.
BK: So look how often in your mind you take a second place position - over and over and over.
[IN nodding]
BK: So, when we say I'm willing to, it could happen again in our minds, and because we are willing to we are open to sitting down and finding our way.
BK: What I've learnt is that as I question my mind, give up happens. It's not something I have to do. It just kind of falls away once the truth is seen.
BK: Freedom.
BK: So what does emotional intimacy mean to him?
IN [Inquirer, Inquiree?]: I don't know what it looks like to him, but what it looks like to me is that he's, he has thoughts about her, maybe he wishes that I were more like her in certain ways, maybe he, erm.
BK: Do you love him?
IN: Yes
BK: And if that's what he wants?
IN: No, I don't want him to have that.
BK: OK, so that's not love.
IN: I don't care, I don't care.
BK: Exactly. That's honest - 'So sweetheart I don't really love you and I only want you to want what I want you to want.'
IN: But what is love anyway, I mean we are all just here serving ourselves.
BK: Personalities don't love, they want something. So you're this very honest person, just are you honest with him - 'Sweetheart I do not ever want you to have a life without checking in with me.'
IN: That's basically it.
BK: 'And by the way, you know everything you think? Check in with me first. And if you think you can do that we are going to have a really happy life together.'
[Laughter]
BK: Are you happy when he's happy?
IN: Yes
BK: Isn't that what you want?
IN: But not when he's happy with something that I'm not happy with.
BK: Yeah, just as long as you let him know that, it's a beginning.
BK: So when he says 'Do you love me? Do you really care about me?' you can say 'No, not at all'.
IN: Is that what love is, that I want him to do things that hurt me?
BK: Well, ask you.
IN: I don't think that's what love is.
BK: So sweetheart, what I can tell you is my husband can't do anything that hurts me yet - and I'm open.
IN: Wait, can you say that again?
BK: When he, when he loves someone I support it, because I love him.
IN: When his attention is going to that person?
BK: Absolutely, I'm spared. He's happy and I don't have to be a part of it - I'm free and he's happy.
IN: I'm not there....
BK: Not there yet, not there that you realize. You want his attention, why? What does that give you?
IN: Fulfillment, joy
BK: A sense of security?
IN: Security, pleasure too.
BK: Oh yeah, there's nothing greater than 'I love you, I love you, I love you', yeah.
[Break]
BK: Isn't that where you feel the most peace - when you are happy for him?
BK: When you are happy for him, happy is happy, you are feeling happy.
IN: Yeah, but not with, when, you know it's different when, if he's eating a great meal and he's really happy or he does, you know, he makes a great accomplishment at work and he's happy, it's a different feel of happy.
BK: So, who would you be - see if you can hear the question - who would you be if it were not possible to believe that he was not faithful when he was with her.
IN: I would be, it would be really sweet.
BK: OK, so here's what we are learning from you - those of us really listening - with the thought you attack him, without the thought the opposite, so how can he be your problem?
BK: With the thought, believing that thought, you attack. When you don't believe the thought you don't attack, in fact the opposite.
IN: I think what I'm feeling is that the thought, I can't, the thought protects me against what might happen.
BK: So when you are attacking him are you protected?
IN: No.
BK: Everything you are afraid is going to happen you are bringing on.
BK: The worst that can happen you are living.
BK: [to audience] How can anyone outside of you be your problem? Not possible. If you think someone is hurting you, you are quite insane - you are believing your thoughts. And that's OK, just know that that belief is what's hurting you, not that person.
[break]
BK: When we look at how we treat them it's really nice to know they have somewhere to go.
[laughter]
IN: Yeah it is.
BK: It's like she's taking care of him when I am mentally ill.
[more laughter]
BK: And it's amazing, he keeps coming home to you. You attack him and he keeps coming home to you. She's very nice to him and he keeps coming home to you.
BK: It's like when you love him, you love you for loving him. When you don't like him, you don't like you for not liking him.
BK: Because he is your PROJECTED - and you are the PROJECTOR. He is only who you believe him to be - and until you question your mind you live with the enemy - and it gets very confusing because you love him.
IN: I need my boyfriend to see that I am enough.
BK: He doesn't see that you are enough - is that true?
IN: He goes, I mean he has other, you know, other women friends that are, you know, that he's intimate with, not sexually, but emotionally and to me that's the same, it's like where do you draw the line, you know?
BK: He sounds like a well-adjusted human being.
IN: He is.
[Break]
BK: Is that true - you want him to give up his whole world and just focus on you?
IN: No, it's not true.
BK: So just sit with that. You know, you are getting to know you. You are the one that does not want him to give up his friends.
IN: But then where's there's situations where it's really threatening I do want that, I do want him to step out of those scenarios.
BK: It goes like this - the way he lives is OK for you - the reason that I know it is OK for you is that you stay.
IN: I am needy
BK: [to audience] Can you find it? Where are you needy? Where are you so needy that you would try to pull another off their path for your convenience?
BK: 'You know, I don't care about your path, I don't care about you, I don't care about what you want - focus HERE ON ME - yeah, yeah, yeah I love you - FOCUS HERE - I am needy.'
IN: I'd be in the same place that I've been in again and again and again in my adult life and I'd be at the end of my rope emotionally.
BK: Isn't that where you are when you are thinking like this, even with him?
IN: Yeah.
BK: So, the worst that can happen you are already living. So if she wins you are just left with you again - which is what you've got when you are with him.
IN: If she wins, I can't let that happen.
[Laughter]
BK: Well you know, there's a way of looking at that - when he's with her, think of how intimate he will want to be with you.
IN: [laughing] Yeah
BK: I mean, that's your story about him. Look what she's getting, she's getting the man who wants to be with friends with all of his old relationships.
BK: Close your eyes - see if you can get a picture of the two of them together.
IN: Katie, I want to bash that [the flowers and vase] against the wall when you say that.
BK: Yeah, so read it again the way you wrote it.
IN: I don't ever want to take second place to a manipulative woman and be tormented by all of my boyfriend's friendships.
BK: So look how often in your mind you take a second place position - over and over and over.
[IN nodding]
BK: So, when we say I'm willing to, it could happen again in our minds, and because we are willing to we are open to sitting down and finding our way.
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